What my shoes say about me

Hi.  My name is Emma Holdaway, and I'm addicted to shoes.

I'd say it's a pretty well-developed addiction:  I have about 50 pairs that I wear on a semi-regular basis.  At this point in my life, my shoe collection is probably my biggest accomplishment.  I'm only kinda kidding...  I should actually be embarrassed by the amount of shoes that I own, but in all honesty, I'm kinda proud of myself (only 50 more pairs to go until I reach 100!).  Anyway, while most normal people plan their shoes around their outfit, I'm the exact opposite: I plan my outfit around my shoes.  And I've come to discover that each pair tells a slightly different story about me.

1. Flats.  Flats are my go-to shoe.  I have seven or so pairs to choose from (four of which have bows), so I'm guaranteed to have a pair that goes with every outfit.  And even though these shoes aren't always the most comfortable, they look adorable with skinny jeans which, to be honest, is all that really matters in the end.  So if I'm wearing flats, there's a 90% chance that I did my hair and makeup that day.  But because flats are an everyday kind of shoe I'm not expecting anything amazing to happen while I'm wearing them.  Like that hot guy in my math class probably won't ask me out on a date and the entire box of double stuff Oreos I just ate won't magically be negative calories.  But hey, that's normal life.
2. Sandals.  If I'm wearing sandals, it is probably warm outside.  If it's not warm outside and I'm still wearing sandals, it's because the weatherman lied to me and forgot to say, "HEY PROVO GUESS WHAT IT'S GOING TO SNOW TODAY EVEN THOUGH IT'S APRIL LOL I LOVE YOU GUYS SO I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU A HEADS UP SO YOU CAN PLAN YOUR FOOTWEAR ACCORDINGLY!"  So if you ever see me wearing sandals when it's snowing, I give you permission to murder me.  I promise I won't blow my rape whistle on you, and I'll make sure my family doesn't press charges.  But sandals tell a whole other story as well: if I'm wearing sandals, it means that my toes are painted.  And if my toes are painted, it means that I have my life under control (and by under control I mean my legs are shaved and I've done laundry recently enough to have a clean pair of jeans to wear).  If I'm wearing sandals, I've probably had a really good day (unless I wore sandals when it snowed).  If you approach me while I'm wearing sandals, I will probably smile and compliment your outfit thirteen times.  If you ask me to marry you while I'm wearing sandals, the probability of me saying "I do" increases by about 217%.
3. Leopard print loafers.  If I'm wearing my leopard print shoes, something crazy and unexpected is probably going to happen.  For example, a bunch of guys might come over to play games at my apartment.  I will have never met these guys before this night, but one of them will look strangely familiar.  But I won't say anything about it until he says that I look familiar too.  We will then spend the next 30 minutes trying to figure out how we know one another.  We will get more and more frustrated because we won't be able to figure it out: we are in completely different majors, have never been in the same place at the same time, and have zero mutual friends on Facebook.  After a while we will both slowly realize how we know each other: Tinder.  I will then proceed to go into my bedroom, make no noise, and pretend like I don't exist (bonus points if you can tell me what movie that's from).  This is just a prediction though.  I'm sure nothing like this would ever happen in real life.  *Disclaimer: this did happen in real life.  And I blame my leopard print loafers.
4. Keds.  I wear my Keds when I'm trying to appear spontaneous and casual or when I'm channeling my inner Taylor Swift.  If I'm wearing Keds, I'm secretly hoping that someone will ask me to go on a bike ride.  I will also want to jump on a trampoline, draw with sidewalk chalk, blow bubbles, and do various other summertime activities.  If I'm wearing Keds and you ask me to go on an adventure with you, I will say yes (and by adventure I mean a 3 AM McDonald's ice-cream run). 
5. Pumps.  If I'm wearing pumps, it's Sunday because I am a practical human being who only wears heels to church.  If you are one of those girls who walks/staggers/clomps around campus in heels on a daily basis, you should know that I hate you and you look like an idiot.  But going back to my main point, I am also probably wearing a pencil skirt because, let's be honest, you can't go wrong with a pencil skirt and pumps combination.  If I'm wearing pumps I am probably a little bit full of myself that day, but hey, there's nothing wrong with a healthy self-esteem boost every once in a while.
6. Wedges.  Wedges mean that I'm in a flirtatious mood.  If I'm wearing wedges, I would be more than willing to bake cookies for you, go on an afternoon picnic with you, or even run away to Brazil with you...if you happen to be a boy.  If you're a girl then we can go to the mall or something idk.  Wedges also mean that I'm dreaming about living in a big city like New York or Chicago because city women always look so classy walking down the busy streets in their wedges and sundresses and I wish I could be just like them.
7. Boots.  Because I wear boots literally every day during the fall and winter, boots don't mean anything in particular.  If I'm wearing boots, you'll have to judge how I'm feeling all by yourself.
8. Tennis Shoes.  If I am wearing tennis shoes, I am probably going through an identity crisis in which I will be thinking that I am the kind of person who likes to workout.  And I'm not the kind of person who likes to workout.  The only time I'll ever run is when there's free ice cream on the other side of campus.  
9. Oxfords.  Oxfords mean that I'm trying really hard to get over the fact that I wasn't born in England with the last name Watson.
10. Flip flops.  If I'm wearing flip flops, I'm either going to the beach or I have literally stopped caring about everyone and everything in my life.  I have given up all hope on ever understanding Inception and have started eating microwave nachos for breakfast.