Let's all just collectively admit that we each take approximately 1,359,203 selfies a year.  Trust me, I follow enough of you on Instagram to know that I'm not the only one.  And out of those 1,359,203 selfies, usually only one looks good, or maybe two if we're lucky.  I've lived on this spinning ball we call earth for 18 years, and this whole 1 out of 1,359,203 thing is the most validating proof I have that life is cruel and unfair.     

So anyway.  I was looking through the pictures on my phone/computer and was a little embarrassed by all the selfies I have.  But then I got over it and decided to share them all with you because I'm obviously super narcissistic and obsessed with myself.  So without further ado, here is my year in selfies.

1.  First Brazil selfie because I'm from Brazil and stuff.


2.  Selfie from when I told everyone that I dyed my hair red when I actually didn't.  I don't know why I thought this was so funny but whatever.  Like OH I'M SUPER COOL BECAUSE I USED PICNIK TO CHANGE MY HAIR COLOR HAHAAAAAA.  This is probably why I don't have any friends.



4.  Crying selfie.  I cry very frequently because I just have a lot of feelings.
 

5.  HAIRCUT SELFIE WHOOOOOOOO.


6.  The "I'm from Michigan and I have a Taylor Swift poster" selfie.


7.  The classic "School sucks and I hate studying" selfie.
 

8.  The "School still sucks and I still hate studying" selfie.


9.  The best selfie I've ever taken.
 

10.  The "Proof that I'm actually from Brazil because I have a cup that says 'I love Rio' in Portuguese" selfie.
 

11.  The "Why am I a math major because I hate math and it sucks" selfie. 


12.  The "Hi, I'm Emma and I bought fake glasses as an accessory because I'm an idiot" selfie.


13.  I don't even know but my eyes are blue and that's fun I guess.


14.  The "NATURAL HAIR DON'T CARE" selfie. 


15.  The basic duck face selfie.


So yeah.  I'm basically a model or whatever.  It's super casual.  And just so you guys know, I'll be selling autographed prints of selfie #9 on Ebay, Amazon,  and Etsy.  So make sure that you buy one because it's a super flattering and high-quality picture.
 

I'm one of those people who likes to save letters and cards.  Words mean a lot to me, and I like to be able to go back and read the things that people have said to me.  There is something so humbling, so personal, and so raw about reading a kind, thoughtful letter from a friend.  The words can make you feel like you're the most special and loved person on the planet.  Even the simple act of writing a letter is a testament to how much that person cares about you.  We live in a world where communication, even across continents, happens instantly.  We're always in a rush, we don't like to wait, and we get annoyed when someone doesn't respond to our text within the next five minutes.  So it means a lot when someone takes the time to hand-write their feelings for you.  When it happens, you treasure that piece of paper.  You take it with you from Michigan, to Brazil, and finally to Utah.  Wherever you go, it comes along: a kind word is never thrown away.

As I was moving into my new apartment today, I came across my collection of cards and letters.  I was tempted to shove the pile right back into the box where it came from because I was busy and still had a lot to unpack.  But I decided to set them aside for later.  So I finished unpacking, got McDonald's with Amy, and now it's later.  Midnight, to be exact, which is quite the perfect time to reunite with old friends if you ask me.


Paige

Paige is my eight-year-old little sister.  She has such a kind, giving spirit and is always leaving little notes or drawings around the house for the members of my family.  I remember coming home late from work one night over the summer to find a sweet little note taped to my bathroom mirror.  It said,

I will miss you Emma.  I wish you didn't have to go to college this year.  Love Paige.  P.S.- Can I get your autograph tomorrow?

That noted is tacked on my bulletin board and I look at it every day.  It reminds me that my family are the most important people in my life, and no matter how far away they are or how little I get to see them, they will always be there for me.  Paige will always be my little sister.  Having them in my life makes me the luckiest girl on the planet.

Colleen McBride

When I turned 17, Colleen gave me the sweetest, most sincere birthday card I've ever gotten.  She started out by joking around and bringing up funny memories, but she ended the note with a list called "Things I admire about Emma Holdaway."  I cried when I read it the first time, and I've cried reading it every time after that.  Here it is: 
     
           #1.  Your determination and drive - I can't believe how hard you work.
           #2.  Your attitude - people know better than to mess with you.  This may sound like a bad thing
                   to you, but it can only help you in life.
           #3.  Your strength - you've been through so much and you never give up.
           #4.  Your loyalty - it's obvious how much you love and care for your friends and family and I respect
                   that a lot.
            #5.  Your style - you always so look presh.
            #6.  Your love of music - you love something enough to pursue it, and you have a beautiful voice.
            #7.  Your honesty - I feel like you're the only person besides me that doesn't put up with people's
                    BS, and that takes ovaries of steel.
            #8.  Your love - I know I already said this, but you give so much of it, and that's what makes you so
                    great.

Thank you, Colleen, for noticing and taking the time to point out my strengths.  I have a really hard time finding and recognizing the good in myself, and whenever I'm having a bad day, I read your list.  It reminds me that though I might feel inadequate or small, other people can see the potential in me.  And sometimes that's all I need to pick myself up and keep going.  Thank you for being an amazing friend.  I don't know what I would do without you.  I love you.

Emily Pletcher

Emily is one of the few people on this planet that can say that I've touched their bare feet.  It was during a Romeo and Juliet rehearsal, and we were learning the cheer routine for the opening scene.  We were going to try and do some lifts and Emily was going to be our flyer.  Right before she stepped into our hands she decided to take her shoes off and I almost died.  I hate feet, like a lot, but I couldn't let go because then she would fall and it would have been my fault.  So yes, I've touched Emily Pletcher's feet.

And it was all uphill from there.  We quickly became best friends, and took frequent trips to Olive Garden, watched movies, and even survived a car crash.  The last time I saw Emily before moving to Brazil, she gave me this note:

Emma!  I cannot imagine my life if I had not met you.  Two years ago I was a nervous new kid auditioning for her first play and while I'm waiting back stage I see the most giddy girl (you) running up and down the hallway, yelling without a care in the world.  Little did I know you would end up being one of my best friends.  You have been my rock through every show (even Cinderella which you were amazing in btw), and I have never laughed as hard as I have with you.  From our car accident to dancing outside my car and backstage every rehearsal, I will always consider you my best friend and will never forget you.

I'll never forget you either, Emily (especially when you fell in the pit that one time).  Love you!

Heather Donnelly

Heather: I knew her as the freshman with a big voice and an even bigger heart.  We've probably eaten at Asian Buffet more times than the rest of the world put together but it doesn't matter because we're perfect and everyone wishes that they could be just like us. Heather was my partner in crime during all three shows my senior year, and I can't even imagine what it would have been like without her.  I'm so proud of her for making Trebs, and I know that she'll continue to wow the world with her bright, magnetic personality.

Heather's locker was right across the hall from mine, and on one of my last days of school, she came over and handed me this note:

I remember meeting you at the first drama club meeting of the year.  Meeting you was so intimadating.  I'd always seen you, heard you sing, saw how talented you were, and now I was meeting you.  After we first talked, our friendship grew so fast.  You are honestly so close to me.  You're so pretty, nice, funny, and trustworthy.  When I have anything going wrong I know you'll be there to make fun of people with me and to help me cheer up.

I'll always be here to make fun of people with you, Sir.  You can count on that.

Steven Collareno

I could go on and on about what an amazing person Steven is.  He is one of the most diligent, passionate people that I know.  He's so talented and hard-working, and I have the utmost respect for him.  When I was the music director for "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" I could always count on Steven to be paying attention and trying his hardest.  I don't know if I ever personally thanked you for that, Steven.  It really meant a lot to have your respect and attention during rehearsals, even when everyone else was goofing off (I still love you guys though, don't worry!).

Before the closing night of Hairspray, I found a note from Steven tucked into my bag in the dressing room.  Reading it brought tears to my eyes:

I honestly think you are one of the funniest people I have ever met.  To be honest, when someone walks into a room and you go, "Really?  That's what you're wearing?" I don't care how rude it sounds I think it's hilarious.  Plus your brutal honestly is awesome.  It is hard to find people like that, but I'm so happy that you're one of those people.  WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BETTER MUSIC DIRECTOR THAN MRS. PRYCE?!?!  That reminds me, music.  Yeah, you're REALLY good at it.  You know so freaking much about it and I learned a lot from you during Charlie Brown.  I actually really did.  I will miss you next year, but you are going to be doing great things with your life, I know you will. 

Thank you, Steven.  You're amazing.  Your talent and your sincerity will help you go far in life.  I'm so proud of you for becoming drama club president and I can't wait to see all the good things that will undoubtedly come your way.

Michael Rootare

Michael is one of the sweetest boys I've ever met.  He's so easy to get along with and has such a kind, genuine personality.  Even though I've only known him for a little while, he's become one of my close friends.  My senior year and Hairspray would not have been the same without him: there wouldn't have been any cheering during the roll call of "Nicest Kids in Town" for example!  Anyways, Michael wrote me a super cute graduation message:

You are such a wonderful person.  I know you will go far in life.  But then again, it wouldn't really matter if you turned out to be a hobo because you would still be you.  That's what I and so many others love about you.

Good luck to you, Michael!  I'm excited to see what the future has in store for you.  No matter what life throws at you, never stop being yourself.  Your natural happiness and positivity will make others want to be your friend.  You have so much talent and I can't wait to see how you use it.  And I'm also super proud of your promposal.  It was adorable.  


Obviously this is only a short list of the sweet, heartfelt messages that I've gotten over the years.  It would be impossible to list them all here, but I want to thank everyone who has ever encouraged or supported me.  Your efforts do not go unnoticed.  I would not be the person that I am today without the help of the hundreds of people that have been a part of my life.

Before:

Hooray for college apartments.  Though this one was actually a lot better than I expected it to be.  Sure there was still a gross stain on one of the mattresses, the couches were an ugly brown color, and the laundromat was pretty far away, but it was home.

I thought my apartment was so big when I first moved in.  But that was probably because it was empty.  It didn't look that big once I moved all my stuff inside.  But I didn't care.  Everything was so new and exciting, and for the first time ever, I was living on my own!  I remember how fun it was to decorate and decide where to put all of my stuff.  On the day we moved in, my roommates and I divided up the cupboards and drawers and then got work!  It took me forever to unpack because I was kinda a perfectionist about it.  My closet needed to be color coded and I lined all of my drawers with floral scented drawer liners.......yeah I went a little overboard.  But as the school year went on I calmed down a little bit...or a lot bit.  I don't think I made my bed once during second semester and there were usually more clothes on the floor than there were clothes on hangers.

Over the two semesters that I lived there, I learned all of apartment 229's secrets: the oven door was insanely squeaky, water spilled out of the sink all too easily, and the walls (and ceiling) were paper thin.  If you wanted to sing along to your iPod without being embarrassed, you needed to make sure that the entire building was gone, not just your roommates, because literally everyone could hear everything.  My neighbors really liked to play guitar and sing along to Les Mis and The Little Mermaid, for example.  I never felt the need to go to a karaoke night or concert or anything like that because I could just stay home and listen to my neighbors sing!  It was the best!!!!! (That was sarcasm.)

And about that paper thin ceiling...  Nothing ever fell through it or anything like that, but I swear my upstairs neighbors were elephants or something.  Either that or they were stopping, dropping, and rolling 24-7 because I don't know what else could have possibly made as much noise as they did.  Becca, Lisa, and I had to come up with creative ways to convey our annoyance, and we got to know our apartment's ceiling pretty well.  We would jump up and down on the couch and hit the ceiling with our hands, hoping that the noise from below would hush our neighbors up.  When that didn't work I grabbed the broom and used the handle to hit the ceiling.  You should probably never do that because you might accidentally dent the ceiling.  Not like I would know or anything.... 


During: 

Packing up my entire life is probably one of the most exhausting and stressful things I've ever had to do.  But after approximately ten hours of cleaning, laundry, and shoving stuff into boxes, I finally got everything finished.

And, as an added bonus, I learned a couple of valuable things about myself and about the world while I was packing/cleaning:

1.  I have too many shoes.
2.  Trying to make a bunch of pots and pans fit nicely into one box is the most difficult thing you will ever have to do.
3.  Sometimes the best thing you can do for something is to throw it away.
4.  I am a professional counter-climber (I scaled lots of dangerous kitchen counters in order to reach high-up cupboards.  It gave me quite the adrenaline rush, and I'm now thinking about dropping out of school to climb counters full time).
5.  Fridges are disgusting.
6.  Once you think you've packed everything, something else will magically appear (but only after you've already taped all the boxes shut).
7.  Those big, blue Ikea bags are a gift from heaven.
8.  Packing makes you hungry.  So hungry you might eat an entire large pizza by yourself.  You shouldn't feel guilty about this, it happens to everyone.
9.  Packing makes you hate yourself for having so much stuff and makes you never want to go shopping ever again.  Like ever.
10.  Packing sucks.




 After: 

I don't live there anymore so there's nothing to really say.  I also forgot to take pictures of the empty apartment but it's okay because life goes on and math still sucks.

So now both my roommates are gone and I'm all alone in my apartment and I'm feeling super sentimental.  I just really miss Michigan.  A lot.  So here's a short list of all of my favorite Michigan things.

1.  My house/room. (PS these are bad pictures of both of these things but I guess it never occurred to me that maybe I would want a picture of my house or room later in life so oops.  Also this is what my room usually looked like so I guess it's the most accurate picture I could put up.  Except I was in the packing process so maybe it was a little worse than usual....idk.)



2.  Northville High School.  Yeah, weird that I miss high school, huh?  I thought I hated it when I went there, but now when I think back on it, I only remember happy things:  the drama department, eating lunch in the band hallway with Anne and Eric or Colleen and Zoe, the drumline performances, the teachers, the dances.  High school is the last time that you'll be free from all the stressful responsibility that comes along with being an adult.  And sometimes it's hard not to miss that.






3.  The Food.  Utah doesn't have Panera, Jets, The Asian Buffet, or Custard Time so yeah I've basically been dead.

4.  Twelve Oaks.  I never realized how amazing this mall was until I left and suddenly all the other malls suck.


5.  Downtown Northville.  Honestly the cutest, most romantic little place on the face of this earth.


6.  The trees.  Michigan is so green compared to Utah, and I miss it so much.  True, Utah has mountains and yes, they're beautiful, but I would choose the trees and grass in Michigan over the Utah mountains any day.

My yard in Michigan has more green than basically the entire state of Utah.


7.  The Roads.  Like the road names, not the conditions of the roads haha.  I miss driving down 8 Mile or Beck or Taft or Haggerty.  I miss it a lot.

8.  The Seasons.  Fall was one of my favorite parts about Michigan so I was a little sad when I came to Utah and there were no beautiful reds, yellows, and oranges.


9.  Meijer.  Oh, Meijer.  It's so janky but so wonderful at the same time.  I miss buying toilet paper at 2:00 AM to go tp-ing, riding the horse for only a penny, spending four hours there grocery shopping with my mom, and seeing girls with raccoon tails there with Amy.  Meijer: higher standards, lower prices.

10.  The People.  I miss my friends in Michigan more than I miss anything else.  They're the reason that my heart still runs in the Michigan time zone.

I've never really been good at saying goodbye.  Which is kinda ironic because I feel like I've had to say more than my fair share of them.  My family moved to Brazil this past July, which meant that I had to part with my Michigan friends a whole month earlier than I was expecting.  The whole moving to another country/continent thing also made the goodbyes approximately one hundred times harder.  I knew that I wouldn't get to see my friends that often because I was going to school in Utah, but before my family moved, I thought that I would at least see them during Christmas and summer vacations.  But everything was different now that my family was leaving Michigan.  I couldn't say "I'll see you in 4 months!" because I honestly didn't know.  That was probably the hardest part: saying goodbye and not knowing when I would see them again.

I can remember those goodbyes like it was yesterday:  hugging Hunter for the last time outside my hotel, saying goodbye to Madison in the hotel lobby with the sad music in the background, Joe giving me a Northville sweatshirt in Meijer at 2 AM, watching Colleen sit on my front steps as my family drove down Deer Run Road for the last time.  I was leaving everything that I'd known and loved.  Saying goodbye to my friends was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.

Little did I know that it would only get harder.  Three weeks later I had to say goodbye to my family.  It's a good thing that I'm basically a bottomless pit of tears because I'd never cried so much in my life.  I was always so excited to go to college and have my own adventures.  I knew I would miss my family, but I didn't know that leaving them was going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I've always loved them, but I think having to live on my own has really taught me how deep that love actually is.

I miss them every second of every day.  I miss playing Monopoly with my dad, eating Cameron's cookies, staying up and watching TV with my mom until the sun rises, having late night conversations with Parker, and sleepovers with Paige.  I miss coming home and hearing the sound of Cameron's drums or Parker's computer games.  I miss being silly and laughing with them.  They're basically my favorite people ever.

Now it's the end of the semester and it's time to say goodbye to my roommates, Becca and Lisa.  These girls have become two of my very best friends.  They've seen me at my best and at my worst.  They've seen me cry and yell and scream and laugh.  They've seen me bake fabulous pies and fall off of pogo sticks.  They've celebrated with me when I pass tests and help me feel better when I don't.

Becca introduced me to the comfort of amazing homemade baked mac and cheese.  I can't even begin to imagine what this year would have been like without her recipe book.  But more importantly, Becca taught me that it's okay to be myself.  She's showed me that it doesn't matter what other people think, as long as you're proud of who you are and the decisions you're making.  She's taught me that no matter what life throws at you, we need to pick ourselves up and keep going.  She showed me that it's okay to make mistakes because nobody's perfect.  She showed me that we shouldn't let our past decisions define our future: we can always make tomorrow a better day.      


I don't know what I would've done without Lisa.  Lisa is one of the sweetest, most caring people that I've ever met.  I love that girl.  She's done so much for me this year, and I can't even begin to repay her.  She's made me feel so loved and cared about, even on my worst days.  Lisa's showed me that though other people in our lives (*coughcough* boys) will hurt us and stab us in the back, true friends will always be there to help dry our tears.  She's taught me how to share and how to be a better person.  She's showed me how to work hard and not be afraid to laugh at myself.  She is my living proof that nightgowns with bears on them can look super hot and that sitting for an hour in the patio furniture section of Shopko can be one of the most relaxing things a person can do.  Most importantly, she's screenshotted hundreds of ugly Snapchats from me and has liked every single one of my Instagram pictures.  If that's not true friendship, I don't know what is. 


Goodbyes are an unavoidable part of life: you go to college, your family casually moves to another country, you have to switch roommates.  But just because you're parting ways for right now it doesn't have to be permanent.  You can always find your way back together someday.  If you truly love someone you never really have to say goodbye for forever.

It's crazy to think that it's already the end of my freshman year of college.  It feels like yesterday that I stepped off the plane in Salt Lake, freaking out at the baggage claim and hoping that none of my suitcases had gotten lost or stolen on the flight over from Sao Paulo.  I mean, my entire life was in those suitcases.  I probably would have died if a single pair of shoes had been misplaced.

Amy and her (and soon to be my) friend Kristi picked me up from the airport.  I was excited, but nervous at the same time.  Here I was, a 17 year old girl, starting a new life all on my own.  The drive from the airport to Provo was long.  I was anxious and restless, and there's nothing to really look at in Utah besides dirt.  We finally got to Provo and made an unforgettable stop at Denny's.  It was probably the highlight of my year.  But actually probably not.  But maybe it was in the top ten.  Basically what happened was I drank a lot of root beer.  I had been deprived of root beer for a month because Brazilians don't believe in it.  So by supplying me with free root beer refills, Denny's was basically saying "WELCOME HOME TO AMERICA, EMMA!"  Well this is quickly escalating into an "I love root beer" post which was not the original intent.  So anyway.

Fast forward a couple of months.  Classes have started, I'm finally learning my way around campus, I've been called to be the ward choir pianist, and I'm starting to understand all of BYU's inside jokes.



I'm can even recognize some of the people from my classes!

Tweet from January 7, 2013:  THE GUY WHO ALWAYS PLAYED WITH HIS TOES FROM MY PSYCH CLASS IS HERE LIKE CAN HE JUST GO AWAY HONESTLY WHYYYYYYYYYYYY I'M GOING TO THROW UP.

The whole food/cooking for myself situation is going really well too.  There have been a few slight bumps in the road (chunky milk, moldy bread, etc.), but for the most part, I've done pretty well.  I made salmon, BBQ chicken, and even my first pot roast!  I think my mom was worried that I wouldn't be the best cook (I did almost light the kitchen on fire at home one time when I was trying to make chicken), but I think I've turned out okay.  :)


I think my dad's main concern was that I wouldn't be able to wake myself up in time for class.  I can understand why, I guess.  He was the only reason that I ever got out of bed in time during high school.  He would come into my room every morning, turn on my bathroom light, and stand in my doorway looking like Frankenstein until I got out of bed.  But I found a way around the system and my mornings usually went like this: dad appears and won't leave. get out of bed. dad leaves. as soon as dad leaves, get back in bed.  So yeah, I can see where he's coming from.  But aside from the one time that I slept in and missed four classes and the two times that I slept right through and missed church...and the couple times that I slept through ward prayer, I've done a very good job of getting my butt out of bed for my 8 AM classes.

So yeah, freshman year has been cool and fun.  But the most important lesson I've learned is not how to find the determinant of a matrix or what the rule of law is, it's simply that the number of attractive men you see on campus is inversely related to how good you look.  In other words, the worse you look, the more hot men you will see.  If you actually take the time to curl your hair, do your makeup, and put on jeans, you are guaranteeing that you will only see boys who look like this:


And trust me, this theory is 100% true.  I've proven it multiple times and have yet to receive contradicting evidence.

xoxo.