1. Eating only the suggested serving size.  The suggested serving size for Oreos is three cookies.  I don't think I've ever only eaten three cookies.  In my case, three rows, not cookies, would be a more accurate serving size.
2. Quoting "Mean Girls."  This is a talent that every human being except for me has.  I can remember "She doesn't even go here" and "If you're from Africa, why are you white?" and that's about it.  I should probably print off a page of "Mean Girls" quotes to reference but I'm too lazy and I actually don't care.  Like at all.
3. Being nice to engineering majors.  I'm sorry but I hate engineers.  Whether they're mechanical, biological, chemical, or whatever stupid kind of "-al" they are, they suck.  They clog up my math classes and think they're so smart because they can say "centripetal acceleration."  Spoiler alert, we can all say centripetal acceleration because we learned about it in HIGH SCHOOL.  So no, you're not better than me because you're an engineering major.  Stop acting like it.  I hate these people so much that if someone tells me they're an engineering major I will literally gag and walk away to join my fellow math majors.  Unlike the engineers, we actually know how to do math.  As you can see, I'm really bad at being nice to these people, but hey, at least I can take a derivative. 
4. Partner cartwheels.  My high school did "Hairspray" my senior year.  I was Amber and therefore had to do a lot of partner dancing in the show.  I was super excited about it until rehearsals actually started and I realized that my partner and I kinda sucked.  Like a lot.  Anyways, to make a long/painful/embarrassing story short, I can't do partner cartwheels.  I'm pretty sure there's a Youtube video of me failing somewhere, but I'll let you guys look that up on your own.  I'm not going to go that far out of my way to make fun of myself.
5. Plotting 3-D graphs.  I can't do it.  I'm sorry.  But math majors aren't supposed to be good drawers so that's my excuse and it helps me sleep at night.
6. Waiting patiently for my pizza to be delivered.  Every single time I order pizza I expect a super hot delivery boy to be at my door within the next five minutes.  Okay, maybe more like the next twenty minutes, but come on.  Making me wait longer than that is basically the equivalent of putting me in the same room with Batman and expecting me not to propose to him.  It's cruel and inhumane.
7. Online chess.  I've tried so many times, but I can't even beat my computer on the beginner level.
8. Working out.  Lol, yeah.
   
   
9. Geography.  I suck pretty hard at geography.  It's a little embarrassing, and I've gotten teased about it many times, but I'm over it.  I've never gotten a cavity in my entire life so that makes up for it, right? 
10. Folding fitted sheets.  It never seems to work out no matter how many times I follow along with this tutorial.  I keep practicing, but nope, this old man can still fold them better than I can.  I'm going to be the worst wife ever.  No one's gonna even want to marry me, and I'll be both forever alone and unable to fold fitted sheets.  Life sucks.

There's nothing better than unwrapping a pop tart because you know that after the 3.14159265358 seconds it takes you to open the shiny foil wrapper, the delicious heaven-sent goodness that is a hot fudge sundae pop tart will be in your mouth.  You drool with anticipation at the thought of the perfectly frosted pastry dancing and flirting with your taste buds.  Eating a pop tart is pure happiness, and these are the moments I live for.

But I've come to discover that pop tarts aren't always what they seem to be.  On many different occasions, pop tarts have let me down.  They've broken my heart and have made me lose all hope for the future.  I think you guys know what I'm talking about.  I'm talking about those moments when you unwrap your pop tart only to find that half of it isn't even frosted.  There's nothing worse.  And this is just one of the reasons why I have trust issues.

Here are a few more:

1. Potato chip bags.  Honestly, what potato chip worker was like, "Hey, I have an idea!  We should make people believe they're buying a huge bag of chips but then pull the rug out from under them aka we're only gonna fill 1/100th of the bag with actual chips.  The rest will just be air and stuff."  And if that's not bad enough, what's even worse is that the rest of the potato chip workers agreed to this inhumane idea.  You would think that at least one of them would stick up for the rest of us poor souls and be like, "Hey, idk man, this is all sounding very Hitler/Voldemort to me."  But apparently not because here we are.  And even though I know in the deepest corner of my heart that when I buy a bag of chips there won't be enough in there to get me through my next Netflix episode, I still get really upset when I open the bag and it's all air.  I figured out how Jordin Sparks can breathe with no air: buy a bag of potato chips.
2. My iPhone's battery life.  Life is great when your battery is at 72%.  You're safe and secure, and you feel like you could conquer the world: you're invincible.  But you look at your phone a minute later and all of a sudden your battery is at 3%.  And you don't even know what happened.  If you can't trust your iPhone, than who can you trust?  Answer: NO ONE.
3. "Fun-sized."  I can't trust humanity knowing that there was someone out there who thought that "fun-sized" would be a good, descriptive name for a mini candy bar.  "Fun-sized" is such a lie because when it comes to candy bars, mini is not fun: mini is terrible.  You give mini candy bars to the people you hate, so yeah, "fun-sized" is a terrible name.  Something like "this isn't even worth the $3 you just paid for me" or "your parents only think you're worth this much" would be a much more accurate name for mini candy bars.
4. Pant sizes.  I go to one store and I'm a size two.  I go to another store and I'm a size 1,394.  I don't know who to believe.
5. Alarm clocks.  I can't even count how many times my alarm clock has failed to get me out of bed.  So if I wake up late and miss class, blame my alarm clock for not doing it's job.
6. The mirror/camera phenomenon.  Have you ever looked so good that you just have to take a picture?  The mirror is telling you you look super hot, but the camera is saying that you still look like your awkward seventh-grade self.  Which one do you trust?  The mirror or the camera?  Yeah, I don't know either, and this is why I usually just sit at home and eat nachos.
7. People who only order one thing at Taco Bell.  I'm sorry but if you go to Taco Bell and don't order at least three things, you must be from another planet.  Because it's humanly impossible to live an honest, fulfilled life and order only one thing off the menu.  It simply cannot be done.  So if I'm in line behind you, and you only order one thing, don't look at me like I'm the weird one when I start screaming, "GO HOME, TERRORIST." 
8. Nicholas Cage.  I don't understand why has he been allowed to be in any movie whatsoever.
9. The doctor.  Yeah, so I went to the doctor about a month ago, and she told me that I was 5'5".  And I literally almost died right then and there because I've spent my whole life thinking that I'm 5'6".  Life is a lie, the earth probably isn't even round, and I don't even know how to deal with it.
10. The "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" music video.  So I'm a really big Taylor Swift fan.  Like, really big.  But I'm finally coming out and saying that the music video for "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" is an embarrassment for us Swifties everywhere.  Like, I love Taylor Swift and everything, but I would rather watch "Party in the USA" than "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together."  And that's really sad.  There's clearly no hope for the rest of us if someone as perfect as Taylor Swift can produce something as stupid as that music video.
11. Automatic paper towel dispensers.  Half the time they don't even work, and the other half of the time they only give you enough paper towel to dry the fingers of a midget.  Like sorry, but I'm gonna need more than an inch of paper towel to dry my hands well enough to use my iPhone.
12. People who have 200 likes on all of their profile pictures.  How do you have so many people who think you're worth liking on Facebook even when you don't look like that in real life?  
13. You can send snapchats to yourself.  There must be a conspiracy theory behind this.
14. The marshmallow to cereal ratio of Lucky Charms.  Only someone planning to take over the United States would allow there to be more cereal than marshmallows.  
15. There are people in this world who think that Superman is better than Batman.  These people should all be locked up somewhere so that they don't continue to ruin our gene pool.  Just kidding.  I don't support locking people up, but for real, Batman is way better than anyone else.

Hi.  My name is Emma Holdaway, and I'm addicted to shoes.

I'd say it's a pretty well-developed addiction:  I have about 50 pairs that I wear on a semi-regular basis.  At this point in my life, my shoe collection is probably my biggest accomplishment.  I'm only kinda kidding...  I should actually be embarrassed by the amount of shoes that I own, but in all honesty, I'm kinda proud of myself (only 50 more pairs to go until I reach 100!).  Anyway, while most normal people plan their shoes around their outfit, I'm the exact opposite: I plan my outfit around my shoes.  And I've come to discover that each pair tells a slightly different story about me.

1. Flats.  Flats are my go-to shoe.  I have seven or so pairs to choose from (four of which have bows), so I'm guaranteed to have a pair that goes with every outfit.  And even though these shoes aren't always the most comfortable, they look adorable with skinny jeans which, to be honest, is all that really matters in the end.  So if I'm wearing flats, there's a 90% chance that I did my hair and makeup that day.  But because flats are an everyday kind of shoe I'm not expecting anything amazing to happen while I'm wearing them.  Like that hot guy in my math class probably won't ask me out on a date and the entire box of double stuff Oreos I just ate won't magically be negative calories.  But hey, that's normal life.
2. Sandals.  If I'm wearing sandals, it is probably warm outside.  If it's not warm outside and I'm still wearing sandals, it's because the weatherman lied to me and forgot to say, "HEY PROVO GUESS WHAT IT'S GOING TO SNOW TODAY EVEN THOUGH IT'S APRIL LOL I LOVE YOU GUYS SO I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU A HEADS UP SO YOU CAN PLAN YOUR FOOTWEAR ACCORDINGLY!"  So if you ever see me wearing sandals when it's snowing, I give you permission to murder me.  I promise I won't blow my rape whistle on you, and I'll make sure my family doesn't press charges.  But sandals tell a whole other story as well: if I'm wearing sandals, it means that my toes are painted.  And if my toes are painted, it means that I have my life under control (and by under control I mean my legs are shaved and I've done laundry recently enough to have a clean pair of jeans to wear).  If I'm wearing sandals, I've probably had a really good day (unless I wore sandals when it snowed).  If you approach me while I'm wearing sandals, I will probably smile and compliment your outfit thirteen times.  If you ask me to marry you while I'm wearing sandals, the probability of me saying "I do" increases by about 217%.
3. Leopard print loafers.  If I'm wearing my leopard print shoes, something crazy and unexpected is probably going to happen.  For example, a bunch of guys might come over to play games at my apartment.  I will have never met these guys before this night, but one of them will look strangely familiar.  But I won't say anything about it until he says that I look familiar too.  We will then spend the next 30 minutes trying to figure out how we know one another.  We will get more and more frustrated because we won't be able to figure it out: we are in completely different majors, have never been in the same place at the same time, and have zero mutual friends on Facebook.  After a while we will both slowly realize how we know each other: Tinder.  I will then proceed to go into my bedroom, make no noise, and pretend like I don't exist (bonus points if you can tell me what movie that's from).  This is just a prediction though.  I'm sure nothing like this would ever happen in real life.  *Disclaimer: this did happen in real life.  And I blame my leopard print loafers.
4. Keds.  I wear my Keds when I'm trying to appear spontaneous and casual or when I'm channeling my inner Taylor Swift.  If I'm wearing Keds, I'm secretly hoping that someone will ask me to go on a bike ride.  I will also want to jump on a trampoline, draw with sidewalk chalk, blow bubbles, and do various other summertime activities.  If I'm wearing Keds and you ask me to go on an adventure with you, I will say yes (and by adventure I mean a 3 AM McDonald's ice-cream run). 
5. Pumps.  If I'm wearing pumps, it's Sunday because I am a practical human being who only wears heels to church.  If you are one of those girls who walks/staggers/clomps around campus in heels on a daily basis, you should know that I hate you and you look like an idiot.  But going back to my main point, I am also probably wearing a pencil skirt because, let's be honest, you can't go wrong with a pencil skirt and pumps combination.  If I'm wearing pumps I am probably a little bit full of myself that day, but hey, there's nothing wrong with a healthy self-esteem boost every once in a while.
6. Wedges.  Wedges mean that I'm in a flirtatious mood.  If I'm wearing wedges, I would be more than willing to bake cookies for you, go on an afternoon picnic with you, or even run away to Brazil with you...if you happen to be a boy.  If you're a girl then we can go to the mall or something idk.  Wedges also mean that I'm dreaming about living in a big city like New York or Chicago because city women always look so classy walking down the busy streets in their wedges and sundresses and I wish I could be just like them.
7. Boots.  Because I wear boots literally every day during the fall and winter, boots don't mean anything in particular.  If I'm wearing boots, you'll have to judge how I'm feeling all by yourself.
8. Tennis Shoes.  If I am wearing tennis shoes, I am probably going through an identity crisis in which I will be thinking that I am the kind of person who likes to workout.  And I'm not the kind of person who likes to workout.  The only time I'll ever run is when there's free ice cream on the other side of campus.  
9. Oxfords.  Oxfords mean that I'm trying really hard to get over the fact that I wasn't born in England with the last name Watson.
10. Flip flops.  If I'm wearing flip flops, I'm either going to the beach or I have literally stopped caring about everyone and everything in my life.  I have given up all hope on ever understanding Inception and have started eating microwave nachos for breakfast.