It's here.
The end is finally here.
It almost doesn't seem real. Time has passed by so quickly. It seems like just yesterday that I hugged and kissed my family goodbye in the Sao Paulo airport. It seems like just yesterday that I arrived at the CCM in Mexico and only six short weeks afterwards, to the wonderful sun and humidity and hotness that is San Pedro Sula Honduras. It seems like just yesterday that I met my first companion, Hermana Alejandro, and arrived at my first area in Olanchito. It seems like just yesterday that Alex got baptized, just yesterday that Maria de los Angeles finally came to church. It seems like just yesterday that I moved to and fell in love with Ceiba. Just yesterday that I had the amazing opportunity to train a brand new missionary, Hermana Tito. It all seems like just yesterday, and yet here I am: standing at the end and looking back at these 18 months that have passed by as if it were a dream. I'm here at the end, but what wouldn't I give to be standing back at the beginning.
Missionary work is hard. It's the hardest thing that I've ever done in my entire life. But I believe that nothing worthwhile ever comes easy. Missionary work wasn't supposed to be thoughtless or easy. It never was. It's supposed to require something from the depths of our souls. It's supposed to make us, as missionaries, stop and wonder why. Because if it didn't, we would never grow. We would never learn. We would never change. We would never see.
Oh, how I've fought. Oh, how I've cried. Oh, how I've prayed. And oh, how the Lord has blessed me. And now I see. Now I understand. Now I know where I am, but most importantly, I know where I'm going. I know that I'm not alone. Nor will I ever be because Christ has me graven upon the palms of His hands. And not just me, because He has you graven there too.
He is the Savior of the world. And because God so loved me and He so loved you, He gave us Christ so that through Him both you and I can have eternal life. Through Him both you and I can be clean again. Both you and I can remove the pains and guilt of sin if we will but come unto Him. Both you and I can find peace in this life and happiness in the life to come. I testify, as His representative, that He lives. I know Him. And I know that when I see His face again, tears will stream down my cheeks because to Him I owe my life.
Jesus Christ is the whole purpose of this gospel. He is the center of the plan of salvation. He loves us! And what joy I've had teaching and testifying of Him as my Savior, my Redeemer, and my older brother.
I know that I came here to Honduras to help others change their lives, but the one who's truly been changed is me. God, each one of my companions, my mission president, and the people here in Honduras have changed my life for forever. They've taught me that friendship doesn't have geographical or racial boundaries because we're all more alike than we are different. They've taught me charity as those who might not have food to give their own families sacrificed to give me to eat. They've taught me the importance of families, the importance of prayer, the importance of laughter, and the miracle of forgiveness. They've taught me that I am important, that I do matter, and that I am loved. I'm imperfect. I make mistakes, just like everybody does. I may eat a little too much junk food and laugh a little to loudly, but it's okay. Perfection isn't a prerequisite of love. When before I struggled with self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness, I now know that I can be happy as I am. I work every day to become better, but ultimate perfection is my long term goal. For now, I'm okay with falling down and scraping my knees a little bit. Falling down is part of life. But for every time that I fall down, I'll stand right back up. And if I can't do it on my own, I know that those I love will be right by my side to help me.
As I think back on these last 18 months, I can barely remember the suffering, the pain, the heartache. The small price that I paid is swallowed up in the great joy of knowing that I have fought the good fight, that I have finished my course, and that I have kept the faith. And though the difference that I made here during my mission might only be a drop in the ocean to those around me, for me, my mission has been my entire ocean.
My whole world is about to change. In just a few short days, all that I've known for 18 months will end. I won't have to wake up at 6:30 every morning, I won't have to walk under the boiling sun every day, and I'll actually be able to flush my toilet. And though I might not have my missionary name tag, though they might call me Emma instead of Hermana Holdaway, and though I might speak English instead of Spanish, there's one thing that will always stand firm and unchanging: my testimony and my love of this gospel. Let what come, come. But I will never deny what I know to be true.
And these things I know to be true:
God is our loving Heavenly Father. Christ came to earth to die for our sins, and He will come again. Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Christ the Son one beautiful morning in the spring of 1820 in response to a simple, heartfelt prayer. He was called to be a prophet in these last days, and to him, God restored His priesthood power to the earth. The Book of Mormon is the word of God. And God listens to and answers our prayers.
I'm happy. In fact, I've never been happier. Of course the thought of leaving Honduras breaks my heart. I love Honduras and it's pulperias and it's janky school buses and the fried chicken and the rice and beans and the loud Spanish rap music. But I'm happy. I don't know all that God has in store for me, but I know that it will all work out in the end. Life isn't perfect, but what's a roller coaster without a few twists and turns? So I'm just gonna put my hands up and enjoy the ride.
And I invite you to come along with me.
For the last time,
Hermana Holdaway
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